Not A Moment Too Soon...

Not A Moment Too Soon...

3 minutes later, I realize what I said was stupid
So, so stupid
You are gone and I`m here, alone
Why does this always happen?
When someone loves another someone, someone always gets hurt

I think
Why is this happening?
I get scared, I think of the worst
I picture you, gone... gone forever

I sigh, look around
It`s late... too late
Where could you have gone?
Why are you doing this to me?

I close my eyes, take a deep breath
"God..." I whisper... "Let him be okay..."
A tear rolls down one cheek
"We are a family... we know what love is..."

The TV blairs in the background
Ryan Seacrest tells someone he is sorry they are going home
Home! Home is where the heart is
He isn`t home... his heart isn`t here

The Serect, remember The Secret
He is safe, he is home, he loves me
I look around
He`s not here

If another minute passes...
I can`t breath
"Oh God, Dear God..."
I replay everything in my head

The phone rings
"Hello...? Hello...?"
A deep breath, a sigh
"I`m coming home"

A roller coaster of emotions flood over me
He`s okay
He`s coming home
I`m relieved, I`m angry

I know he`s okay
I`m not worried anymore
He`s one his way
I feel robbed

He left
I worried
He called
I`m mad

He`s here
I here the door open
My heart jumps
I want to be upset

"Where were you?"
I plea
We meet, eye to eye
His are sorry

I run towards him
Wrap my arms around his neck
Tears flow down both cheeks
He squeezes my waist

"It`s just... I..."
He crys outlound with me
Everything is okay
We are together

I melt into a different place
Oneness becomes who we are
My eyes stay shut
I forget who I am

When day comes, the night is a blurr
Only smeared mascara
Two empty wine glasses...
And a bad dream remain

Elijah

In this new world, time does not exist

He sleeps, he eats, he sleeps...

His tiny fingers curl into his tiny little hands

I love him

I am in love with his every breath, his sweet baby faces, his curious eyes

He depends on only me

He needs me, but I need him

Soft new skin and milky baby breath...
I wonder what kind of things he will learn to love

Nothing matters now

Or, everything matters, but in a new way

He doesn`t care how I look, or if the house is clean

Pure, fresh innocence

We are in baby bliss

Awake and alert for a moment

I can`t look away

Kiss... kiss... kiss...

What do think about Baby?

Do you know Mommy loves you?

I want to soak in every moment

I can`t put him down

He gurgles and sighs

He is perfect

More kisses...

My body feeds him

God planned it this way

Mommy and baby, joined together

There are no words to express

Beautiful, beautiful baby

I love you...

You are in control

It took me a while to realize that everything I feel is within my control
People often choose to react to situations and act as though their feelings are out of their control
"You made me feel..."
In reality you make the choice on how you feel - no one can make you feel anything
Feelings are one of the only things we are always in control of
Something can happen that would normally anger you and instead of reacting with anger you can choose an attitude of kindness, hope, understanding...
The easy reaction is usually the most detrimental to the person reacting
It takes work to stay calm and focused
But, when you do, you are blessed with a sigh of relief, peace
When you react carelessly you are only left with stirred up feelings of resentment and regret
Next time someone says something to upset you, instead of choosing the easy way out, stop, take a breath and choose how you want to feel
You`ll be amazed and your own reactions
Often times a few moments of careful thought help you realize you aren`t angry at all
No one can upset you and you win!
You are in control of how you feel
Once you realize this, you`ll feel empowered
Your feeling are yours - you decide how you feel, you decide who you are...
You are in control of you!

A Thought

Wondering what it would take to freeze this moment and come back at a later time
I close my eyes and try to engrave it in my mind forever
Once as a child I took a picture of a day in my head
Years later I visited it as though it were yesterday
I can still see a glimpse of it when I try, but memories fade away if we don`t share them
Something that you want to keep with you forever, will quickly become a piece of who you are
But, you may not realize what brought you to this place
Unless... you have breathed it in and turned to make it into something substantial
We need to feel, touch, smell, see, hear...
Once that`s gone we have nothing
Often times we mistake our past with a dream we had, a book we read or a movie we saw
How can you be certain that your memories are real?
If it`s okay with you, I`ll take what I have, real or fake... because all of it made me who I am
But, I will be careful about how I move forward
Not everything I encounter should become part of me
I am aware enough to acknowledge the difference, at least part of the time
Some of what I carry is a burden
But, I`m learning
When we learn, we grow... and when we grow we remember how limitless we are
It`s important to know you`re never complete
This way we can keep expanding
So, I will open my ears as well as my heart
And, I will take what I need and leave the rest for someone else
This is how it should be

(rainer maria rilke)

i beg you.... to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. don`t search for the answers, which could not be given you now, because you would not be able to live them. and the point is, to live everything. live the questions now. perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without ever noticing it, live your way into the answer...

For My Unborn Son

May your eyes always be full of beauty and wonder

May your heart never stop searching for love

May your arms embrace life frequently

May your lungs inhale God`s breath

May your voice express your thoughts and heart beautifully

May your toes touch many foreign lands

May your fingers callus with the fulfillment of hard work

May your checks be brushed with every season

May your stomach be filled with unique enjoyment

May your nose inhale the wonderment around you

May your ears be blessed with magical notes

May your brain connect with boundless surprises

May your mind be open to every limitless possibility

May your legs take you on adventurous journeys

May your spirit acknowladge the presence of greatness

May your soul be filled with lifes greatest joy

And, may all that know you, love you...
This is my prayer for you.

Love,
Mom
XOXO

Alone

I love how easy it is for you to just run away
Just because there`s words you can`t say
Why can`t you just quietly stay?
Try to help me find a better way?

Instead I`m left sitting alone
A reminder I live in a "broken home"
I could hear a roughness when you said "bye" in your tone
Now I sit, just waiting, starring at the phone

Why is it okay for you to leave me like this?
A sideways look and a curtsey goodbye kiss?
Remember when we were together in our own bedroom bliss?
Isn`t that something that you`re going to miss?

I wish there was something I could say to you
To know that I was really getting through
Just to see if I could spark something new
To know that you want something better too

But for now I just sit alone and depressed
I can lay in the dark, but I know I wont rest
Thinking of the thoughts I should have confessed
About how much I love you and how you`re so blessed

For now I wonder if you`re thinking of me
And if you heard the prayer I said silently
And if by chance you might want me to be
Dreaming of you... content and happily

So, I sit here wishing you would just call
I can`t stand to let another tear fall
This isn`t what either of us wanted at all
To let a gap between us grow so big and so tall

I`ll stay awake tonight, alone in bed
With these continuous thoughts that seem stuck in my head
Of all the bad words that were or weren`t said
Wishing I could replace them with these words instead:

"I know you don`t like it when I put up a fight
But I`m hoping that one of these days that you might
Lay close to me with your arms around me tight
And whisper that you want to stay every night"

Then I wont feel like I`ve lost something sweet
In the darkness your lips and mine will meet
Our bodies will touch from our heads to our feet
And I will remember how it feels to be complete

INSPIRATION

When you are inspired by some great purpose, some extraordinary project, all your thoughts break their bonds; your mind transcends limitations, your consciousness expands in every direction, and you find yourself in a new, great and wonderful world.
Dormant forces, faculties and talents become alive, and you discover yourself to be a greater person by far then you ever dreamed yourself to be.

PATANJALI

Finding

Inspired by the eyes of your lover
The words balance and perception
take on a whole new meaning

Just a touch, a simple kiss, awakens a calm,
but exciting awareness

A new hope is born, an idea
To change your course forever

You will never be the same again,
But only because you don`t want to be

Your heart has been cleansed from
the negativity that dwelled in the broken cracks

A new trust and respect
nourish your old wounds and make you
whole again

You wont forget because you past
is a stepping stone in
filling your destiny

But, your new love has helped you
with a balance to awaken
the tenderness within…

Promoting happiness and joy
because you`ve found true love

When I find myself...

Thank you for this time
To make this life completely mine

To focus on what`s right for me
To make my own discoveries

God has blessed me through you
He has given me an amazing friend too

You`ve taught me how to give
You`ve shown me how to live

Today you changed my life
You said one day I could be your wife

You completely blow my mind
Through you the answers I will find

I have lived through grief and sorrow
Now I see a brighter tomorrow

I love the way you make me feel
With you life seems so surreal

You make me laugh out loud
Watching you sing makes me proud

I don`t want to loose what we`ve had
But if you`re happy then I`m glad

And who knows what tomorrow has in store
Maybe things will be better then before

For the sake of reality
What`s meant to be will be

And we both know this isn`t the end
You have become my greatest friend

I just hope we take this time for the right reason
That you`re not in my life for just a season

I`ll do my best to believe
With an open mind I`ll receive

I hope you can still see yourself with me
And when I find myself there you`ll be

you and me

making me think
we`re right on the brink
of something so big
just deciding to live, to give
not only receive
this is what we believe
i see it alive in you
i know you see it in me too
and when this truth becomes real
there`s nothing left to feel
we breath, we bleed
we fill that need
we try our best
worry about the rest
then we point the finger
after letting the laughter linger
there`s no one left to blame
no one left to feel the shame
but that`s okay with us
it`s in each other we trust
i know there`s things that we don`t say
because words just get in the way
besides, you can read my mind
the truth and answers you will find
i`m happy you are here
and for a moment you are near
the rest is left to be
the story of you and me

More Simple Thoughts....

Does everything really happen for a reason?

It`s hard to see the answers when you don`t know the questions

Everything you think you know changes

Assumptions can be dangerous

It`s easier to live life day to day

Some lessons have to be learned the hard way

There are many things we will never know

Some things fall into place on their own

We take so much for granted

God places people in your life for a reason

Explore every possibility

Don`t eliminate any options before thinking everything over twice

Sometimes one is enough

Never say never though

Sometimes two is better then one

Change

A whirlwind of change has taken place.
When the dust settled all that remained was you
and I in all of our rawness
and maybe a remembrance of
the way things used to be.

It had to happen
or I never would have realized the fullness
of our potential together.

Now I see you with a whole new intensity
and I thank God for the bad
so I could appreciate the good.

I know there will be moments,
as there have been,
where I will see glimpses
of the past
and forget how far we`ve come...

But then you look at me,
breaking through all of my insecurities,
in such a way that a flood of emotions take over
and I realize:
We are made for each other.

The feeling of you next to me
is more then I ever could have hoped for.

There`s no longer the feeling of desperation
when it comes to needing you-
I need you because
I love you.

I know we will continue to be tested by God,
but with a new found courage,
and you by my side,
I can make it through any struggle.

At last...
I don`t have to question myself or
my decisions anymore-
I love you completely!

"Let It Go" - DEPSWA LYRICS

You know it wasn't so long ago
When things weren't as we know
Back when I was younger and had a hunger
For all the things I didn't know

And I remember the day when I went out to play
And I bird flew down to my hand
Didn't want to leave and
When I asked to keep
I remember my dad said

Yeah son let it go away
Hope that it comes back
Here to you some day
Just let it go away
And if it comes back
you know it's here to stay

Since then I've gone through changes
Since then I've gone through life
Since then I found me a beautiful woman
I thought could be my wife
She said she really loves me
But she said she couldn't stay
She said I've got to go my love
To find things my own way

So I let her go away
Hope that she comes back
Here to me some day
I let her go away
And if she comes back I know she's here to stay
There's not always reasons for the things in life
But it's comforting to know within your mind
If you love something enough
And you've done all that you can
If there's one thing I have known and learned first hand
Sometimes you have to just let it go away

Hope that it comes back
Here to you some day
Just let it go away
And if it comes back
You know it's here to stay
Let it go away
And if it comes back
You know it's here to stay
Let it go

For My G, My Godsend

The way you say your blessed
And to see, it`s just the best
And to rest
Suddenly
Knowing there`s something between you and me
And to feel just so free
You singing to me so sweetly
I can see into your eyes
No lies
You`re not like other guys
Who cheat on their wives
Destroy their lives
Not you
The son of who
Created me too-
Knowing that soon
We would sit in this room
We would flow
Cause we know
What we do
Is between me and you
And we see
What we`ll be
For the rest of Eternity
Living life so happily
And now I`m down on my knees
Thanking God and asking please
Let him be the one
Who proves life`s just begun
With my son
And my daughter, nothing`s ever done
But we have a lot of fun
I`m so glad he sent you here
That you can be so near
To chase away my fear
And lend to me an ear
And when I go to bed
It`s with thoughts of you running through my head
And the things that you have said
Have led
Me to be fed
In a way
That I`ll stay
Another Day
And I`ll hear the words you have to say
Cause I know in the end
You have become my greatest friend
My ally, my Godsend...

Simple Thoughts...

In a desperate world where only the truth really matters

Children cry and their mothers can`t hold them

A twist of faith changes a single persons life forever

Two destinies collide and a crash course in love is taught in a matter of days

Each tear that falls is a question on that persons mind

Gifts that can only come from within are given without a thought of anything in return

One heart tries desperately to talk to another, no words are ever spoken

Everyday struggles cloud the clearness in was once thought to be a sound mind

A direct quote is spoken from the mouths of disbelievers, not knowing the person they are quoting

Fiction becomes fact when the source is a reliable one

Simple moments are shared with one smile, one wink, one glance... returning as a memory years later

knowing better not always equals doing better, yet tomorrow always comes new

knowledge of life... destiny, created by our own thoughts and actions

A silent prayer before you sleep, "Please give me faith, so I will believe good things come to those who wait..."

My Truth

They say the writing`s on the wall
But the people writing, I can see through them all

God gave me the gift of perception
He sent me as a direct reflection
So when you look at me you will see his perfection

God enlightened me and opened my mind
It`s through him the truth and answers you will find

When you find the truth and you choose to believe
There is no limit to the blessings you will receive
And there is nothing left you can`t achieve

I wanna see the world through your eyes
I wanna know how others live there lives

God didn`t send us here to be alone
The people in the house are what makes it a home
When you share your truth with me, God etches it in my heart like it was written in stone

And be careful with the negative you choose to share
Negativity can be a burden to heavy for another to bear

Instead bring the positive into the light
Add to it until it becomes so bright
It stays with others through the day and rests with them at night

And it doesn`t matter if your beliefs are the same
After God touches you it`s only the truth that remains

God blessed me with this life so I can
Receive truth from child, woman and man
Each truth bringing me closer to the great I AM

And I`ve stopped trying to run away from my past
But instead focus on the good memories so they`ll last

I`m thankful for the bad, so I can appreciate the good
I appreciate beauty, if there was no ugly do you think I really could?
Would you appreciate a mansion if you hadn`t come from the hood?

God gave us agency so we can choose our own way
Without night, how could there be day?

People say God sent his only begotten son
But if he created all of us, how could there be only one?
If that were the case my life was over before it had begun

Instead God created us in his image so we`re all the same
So when you point the finger, it`s really yourself you have to blame

People think that through religion the truth and answers you will find
But then they let their religion completely close their mind

If it`s the truth that sets you free
And I find truth in you and me
Why do I need a religion to really see?

I can be in jail and fill the spirit
If the truth is spoken, do I have to be at church to hear it?

It`s okay if you don`t agree with the words I say
But please try to understand I have found my own way
I feel content with each new day

I respect whatever you choose to believe
I just hope you can have the same respect for me

I know for some people this is hard to understand
It`s like hearing a foreign language in some far off land
Reaching out for something and missing the outstretched hand

If you second guess what really comes from "above"
Is there any difference in how you outpour your love?

The Bible stems from the time of God`s creation
He wants us to know that time, but leave room for modern day revelation
How could one book be the only truth for every coming generation?
Do we have only one man that is able to lead a nation?

Can all of God`s truth be contained in just one book?
If he handed us all of his knowledge we wouldn`t continue to look

God wants us to find what works for us
That`s why he`s given us so much trust

He`s provided so much more then just one book as a guide
He gives personal inspiration to help us survive
So when truth is found even in small things, the spirit of God is very alive

I felt inspired to write these words
Is it any less inspired then the book of Proverbs?

When a truth is shared between me and you
God sparks a flame so we know it`s true
And it`s in that moment where he makes one out of two

If you feel with these thoughts your spirit was fed
Then it doesn`t matter if you remember a word that I said

I just hope that you remember one simple thing
When you open your heart and mind, your spirit will sing
And God will bless others with the happiness you bring

Because when you try to do your part,
God offers the ultimate blessing: Contentment in your heart

Receive truth, however it comes to you
And you can feel honored in everything you do
So in turn you can be one of the lucky few
Who is content and unafraid, living your life the way God intended you to

I have a feeling this is the start of something good...